I have chosen to become a nun, but unfortunately the first convent where I went was just not a very good one. Now I am in a wonderful new place with authentic Christian believers, which are dedicated to the represented values. (Your environment is going to determine your success. If you are in an environment of great people who are living with high integrity and values then you will embody those traits. If you are immersed in a toxic environment then you will quickly adopt those habits. “You are the average of the top 5 people you spend the most time with” (Jim Rohn) . If you are happy, determined and love your life then the chances are that you are in a great environment. Always be consciously aware about who you spend your time with)
But before that, unfortunately, I was not in a very good place: I was under a narcissistic personality (If you are too nice and compliant all the time you will fall victim to people like this. Narcissists are great at making you feel special and telling you what you want to hear. However, when their actions do not match their words and something is not right you can literally feel it in your gut. Beware of this and do not ignore it), and the values being embodied were quite the opposite of Christianity. There was no integrity, no consideration for others, personal profit only at focus regardless of how much it harmed the actual convent and other people. Decision-making that was based purely on personal preference rather than consideration for the convent and other sisters etc.
I feel like I myself am now stripped of these values. This is because of the influence of this highly manipulative individual who just wanted attention and popularity for herself at whatever cost. Besides I got very attached and am now finding every excuse to let her back into my life if she’ll wish to, which has a high potential of harming me (You are being your own worst enemy here by saying this person is highly manipulative but you are considering letting her back into your life. Walk away and don’t look back. People like this know how to play on your emotions. If you act weak and keep giving in then they will trail you back and keep manipulating you again and again. Look at how they are making you feel right now. Do you want to feel like this forever? Walk away)
I have lost touch with the reality of life and now think that such wrong values are in fact a respectable way to behave (The good news is that you know your values and what you will and will not accept in life). Now, there is a need to rebuild this inner self, focus on my new wonderful place and goals (That’s great – focus on you and what you want and the right people will naturally be attracted to you. When you live in accordance with your integrity and values you will attract similar people into your life), while realising that a relationship with such a personality is not an area of strength for me.
I beat myself up that it’s my fault things went wrong between us. That it’s because I don’t have enough people skills for that ex-environment. I need to stop focusing on something I wasn’t good at resolving – my past situation, and instead give my full attention to the new place that’s very different.
I do feel like a failure though because I feel like I failed an important life challenge and still trying to fix something I am just not spiritual/good enough to fix (You have fixed it. By walking away you have demonstrated strength and self-respect. If you are willing to resolve any issue and the other person is not then you can walk away with your head held high. When you show up with a solution focused attitude and the other person does not participate then there is nothing you can do. At least you showed up with the correct intentions), instead of focusing on something that’s perhaps less prestigious but that I could be good at.
(Great job for walking away from a manipulative individual. If there is internal conflict inside you then keep reminding yourself why you walked away. People never remember what you say or do but always remember how you made them feel. Go towards the people who make you feel positive and happy and ditch those who make you feel bad)